


I Envy You

by twinkappreciationposts



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Confessions, Cry porn, F/M, Feelings, Love Confessions, One Shot, Short One Shot, Spencer will never know, why didnt you just tell him sooner dumbass
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-19
Updated: 2020-07-19
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:01:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,015
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25374316
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/twinkappreciationposts/pseuds/twinkappreciationposts
Summary: You're leaving the BAU. Here's the twist: you've decided not to tell the rest of the team, and Spencer is asleep when you finally get the courage to say goodbye.
Relationships: Spencer Reid/Reader, The BAU Team & Reader
Comments: 2
Kudos: 64





	I Envy You

The only person you had told was Hotch. You had too. It was an unavoidable problem. You had to resign to your superior. He hadn’t taken it well, but he understood. This job, this environment, it was enough to break anyone down.

It had taken some time to convince him to keep it on the DL. He thought it was a bad idea. He thought it was unfair. He was right. Maybe you were becoming a bit of a coward, but you could live with that. You didn’t want to say goodbye. 

On the final evening of your job, you had solved a case that had been especially draining. It had only enforced your need to leave. You weren’t cut out for this. Not after all these years. On the jet back, however, you found yourself shaking. This job, these people, they had become your life. Years of time and dedication. Years of friendship. It hurt, even though you knew it had to be done. 

“Something on your mind?” JJ asked you. She had always been observant. 

“Not at all. Just tired.” You smiled, barely finding the strength to look her in the eyes. 

“You sure?” She said softly.

“100%. You did a great job out there, JJ. This team really… it really wouldn’t be as great as it is without you. You deserve more recognition.” You smiled at her. 

She thanked you, returned the compliment, and you could only laugh. 

“What’s going on over here?” Derek questioned, pulling his headphones off. 

“Girl talk.” JJ teased.

“Well, I love girl talk.” He grinned.

“Oh, we know you do.”

So, you went around, casually having final conversations with people that didn’t feel final to them. Rossi had told the entire crew he was planning on hosting a dinner party as his place in the coming weeks. You emphatically agreed to be there. 

Don’t get it wrong. You felt bad for lying. Of course you did. But your colleagues would have plenty of time to be mad at you when you were long gone on some tropical beach, finally relaxing.

The only person who you had not been able to talk to was Dr. Spencer Reid, who was nestled fast asleep in the corner of the plane. 

When the plane landed, Prentiss went to go wake him up. It had sort of become her duty after all this time. But for once, you stopped her, telling her you’d do it yourself. So, everyone left, and you and a sleeping Spencer were the only two who remained. 

You had always liked Spencer. Who wouldn’t? He was so smart, so attractive, so… Spencer. Of course, you never told him about your feelings, because as you had already established, you were a coward. But sitting there, alone, on what might be the last occasion you ever got to see him, you felt just brave enough to tell it to his sleeping body. 

“When I first joined the team,” you began, voice quiet as to not disturb him from his slumber. “I always wondered if there would ever be any in-office romance. Turns out there was none. But I think I was always secretly hoping it would be me and you. I remember one time, we were chasing an unsub, and I got scared. I don’t remember what did it, maybe a loud noise, or a weapon being pulled or something, but you put your arm around me. Protectively. And somehow, even though Derek was right there next to me, even though I was surrounded by people who I trusted with my life, the only person who made me feel truly safe… was you. It doesn’t even make sense why I feel so invincible around you. It’s not like we haven’t both had our fair share of injuries and traumatizing events, but if I could just look into your eyes, it was like I remembered that I wasn’t alone. Maybe I figured that if I was gonna die, at least it was with you.” Tears welled in your eyes. “But even you couldn’t stop this. Your eyes, your smile, I think they kept me on this team longer than they should have. I might’ve dropped out earlier if I hadn’t been so scared of saying goodbye. But I think… no, I know, I have to say goodbye now. Because if I stay, I’ll just be a time bomb waiting to explode. But you, Spencer, you have been through so much. And you still work so hard, every day. I envy you. And I’m a little bit mad I hadn’t said any of this to you sooner. It’s okay though. I know you’ll understand.”

You brushed his hair out of his face, tears slipping down your cheeks unrestrained now. “I love you, Spence. I think maybe I have since the first day I saw you. And I wonder if things could have been different between us if I had admitted that sooner, but I don’t think it matters now.” You sniffled, wiping your tears away on the sleeve of your shirt. “Hey. Hey, Spencer. Wake up.” You gently prodded him, watching as he slowly regained awareness. 

“Y/n?” He rasped out. “We landed?”

“Yea.” You smiled. “The rest of the team is inside. I’ll see you there?” You faced away from him now, knowing he would be able to notice something was wrong if he had a chance to look at your face.

“Will do.” He yawned, grabbing his bag and stretching.

You began walking towards the exit. Calm. At peace with your decisions. You opened the door to the plane, saying goodbye to it in your mind.

“Hey, y/n?” Spencer called out, stopping you dead in your tracks.

“Yeah?” You questioned, voice beginning to waver. 

“Do you wanna maybe, um, go get dinner sometime?” His voice was earnest. You could imagine his face as he said it, the way he was probably rubbing his neck anxiously. All of the things that made Spencer… Spencer.

You chuckled, not finding the courage to turn to face him.

“Yeah, Spence. I’d love that.”

**Author's Note:**

> i watched a sad movie with a love confession and i was like  
> "i wanna confess my love to someone!! but i have no one to confess it to.."  
> so i just wrote this instead


End file.
